The Performance of Motherhood — And What It Costs Women Mentally
The Performance of Motherhood — And What It Costs Women Mentally
Motherhood is often described as instinctual, joyful, and fulfilling. And while it can be all of those things, many women experience something quieter and heavier alongside it: the performance of motherhood.
This performance isn’t just about caring for children — it’s about meeting invisible expectations. Being patient at all times. Being emotionally available. Being productive, present, grateful, and selfless. Doing it all without appearing overwhelmed.
For many women, especially high-achieving women and Black women, this performance comes at a real cost to mental health.
What We Mean by “The Performance of Motherhood”
The performance of motherhood refers to the pressure to appear like you are doing motherhood “right.”
This can look like always being calm, nurturing, and emotionally regulated ,iding exhaustion, resentment, or grief, or feelinng responsible for everyone else’s emotional experience You may feel constantly pressured to measure yourself against curated images of “good” motherhood, even if those images to accurately represent you or your lived experience. You may also feel pressured to perform competence even when you feel depleted.
These expectations aren’t just personal — they’re cultural. They’re shaped by patriarchy, racism, capitalism, and unrealistic ideals of productivity and sacrifice.
And over time, they train women to override their own needs.
Masking, Survival, and the Nervous System
Many mothers learn early on that there isn’t space for their full emotional experience.
So they mask.
They smile through exhaustion.
They suppress anger, grief, or ambivalence.
They push through instead of slowing down.
From a nervous system perspective, this is not a failure — it’s a survival strategy.
But long-term masking keeps the nervous system in a state of chronic activation. Over time, this can show up as:
Anxiety or irritability
Emotional numbness
Burnout or shutdown
Difficulty resting without guilt
Feeling disconnected from joy or pleasure
A sense of “I don’t recognize myself anymore”
Many women don’t realize they’re burned out from performing motherhood — not motherhood itself.
When the Past Gets Activated
For some women, motherhood also activates unresolved experiences from their own upbringing:
Being parentified
Emotional neglect
Growing up in unpredictable or high-stress environments
Learning early that love was conditional on performance
When this happens, the nervous system isn’t just responding to present-day parenting stress — it’s responding to old patterns of responsibility, vigilance, and self-erasure.
This is often where insight alone isn’t enough.
How EMDR Can Help
EMDR therapy can be especially helpful for mothers who feel stuck in patterns of overfunctioning, guilt, or emotional overwhelm.
Rather than focusing only on coping strategies, EMDR works with the nervous system to process earlier experiences that shaped beliefs like “I have to hold everything together”. It can also reduce emotional reactivity and chronic stress responses, creating mor space for rest, agency, and self-trust
Many women find that as their nervous system settles, the pressure to perform softens — not because they stop caring, but because they stop sacrificing themselves.
You’re Allowed to Be a Person, Not a Performance
Motherhood does not require perfection.
It does not require constant self-sacrifice.
And it does not require you to disappear.
If you’re feeling exhausted, numb, resentful, or disconnected, that doesn’t mean you’re failing — it often means you’ve been performing for too long.
Support can help you step out of survival mode and back into yourself.
Whether through trauma-informed therapy like EMDR or coaching that centers joy, nervous system care, and identity, you deserve care that sees you — not just the role you play.
If motherhood has activated anxiety, burnout, or old patterns you can’t seem to shift, trauma-informed therapy may help. I offer EMDR and somatic therapy for adults across Pennsylvania. Schedule a consultation today.
